~ "4am diary" Lyrics ~
Page Jumps:
psychodrama
Can you keep me up all night?
If I wanna get out
Can you keep me out of sight?
Just show me how
And it's so hard to be alone
but it makes me feel so addicted
to shut them out, to be unknown
All of it has me conflicted
Sometimes my life feels like a psychodrama
Because every day I'm afraid I'm gonna
End up more alone and fucked up in the head
Makes me wanna sleep all day and only stay in bed
In bed no problems get me
No people gonna hurt me
Twist my brain, throw me in flames
Hit by a train, Make me insane
I don't want the pain
Every damn depressed night
A slasher chases me
Every psychological fight
They kill me don't you see?
And I'm no final girl
I'm the one they kill off first
The plot twist in this song
The killer was me all along
Sometimes my life feels like a psychodrama
Because every day I'm afraid I'm gonna
End up more alone and fucked up in the head
Makes me wanna sleep all day and only stay in bed
In bed no problems get me
No people gonna hurt me
Twist my brain, throw me in flames
Hit by a train, Make me insane
And here comes the final confrontation
I'm the only one who does the narration
The final struggle is between two versions of me
Whichever one wins is still unknown you see
It's always like those books (It's always like those books)
That end on the hook (That end on the hook)
That leave you hanging on a cliff (That leave you hanging on a cliff)
That leave you frozen fucking stiff (That leave you frozen fucking stiff)
Sometimes my life feels like a psychodrama
Because every day I'm afraid I'm gonna
End up more alone and fucked up in the head
Makes me wanna sleep all day and only stay in bed
In bed no problems get me
No people gonna hurt me
Twist my brain, throw me in flames
Hit by a train, Make me insane
I don't want the pain
people pleaser
Doing all the right things
But people hate me anyways
I can't stop holding my breath
Panic attacks feel like death
People say I shouldn't please
but there's no cure for this disease
Is this awkward?
What do you think?
Am I stupid?
God I just wanna sink
When I speak my mind
It never goes well
You become satan
And I go to hell
The devil's in the details
People pleasers off the rails
Doing all the right things
But people hate me anyways
When I decided to focus on my needs
Stubborn assholes brought me to my knees
I try to do the right things and not get hurt
But still no one sees my hard ass effort
Is this awkward?
What do you think?
Am I stupid?
God I just wanna sink
When I speak my mind
It never goes well
You become satan
And I go to hell
The devil's in the details
People pleasers off the rails
Doing all the right things
But people hate me anyways
Doing all the right things
Doing all the right things
Doing all the right things
Doing all the right things
Doing all the right things
Doing all the right things
Doing all the right things
Doing all the right things
People hate me anyways
People hate me anyways
People hate me anyways
People hate me anyways
People hate me anyways
People hate me anyways
People hate me anyways
People hate me anyways
Doing all the right things
But people hate me anyways
When I speak my mind
It never goes well
You become satan
And I go to hell
The devil's in the details
People pleasers off the rails
Doing all the right things
But people hate me anyways
nightshade
Violet is my aura
I'm sweet and kind to you
Betrayal's the kind of horror
That makes my blood burn blue
With my luck, there's bound to be a fracture
Cause everyone lets me down
I'm the kind of person that ain't manufactured
Another won't come around
I'm your deadly nightshade
I'm pretty and safe to touch
But if you put me on a plate
I'll poison you and hold a grudge
I'm always ready to switch up on you
I'm always planning what I will do
If you betray me, I won't have mercy
I don't take this lightly, I think about it nightly
Indigo is my color
I'm the one they forget in a rainbow
Optimism is getting duller
In society the bar is low
With my luck, there's bound to be a fracture
Cause everyone fucks me over
I'm the kind of person that ain't manufactured
Cause I'm as rare as a four leaf clover
I'm your deadly nightshade
I'm pretty and safe to touch
But if you put me on a plate
I'll poison you and hold a grudge
I'm always ready to switch up on you
I'm always planning what I will do
If you betray me, I won't have mercy
I don't take this lightly, I think about it nightly
Wary wary, you should be
If you're not careful I'll make you go crazy
Scary, scary, I can be
Please don't be someone I poison slowly
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
I'm your deadly nightshade
I'm pretty and safe to touch
But if you put me on a plate
I'll poison you and hold a grudge
I'm always ready to switch up on you
I'm always planning what I will do
If you betray me, I won't have mercy
I don't take this lightly, I think about it nightly
nexus
I was making a necklace
That had your name on it
I didn't think you'd let this
Crush it into pieces
I've talked to you for years
Through smiles and through tears
Now when I'm the most lonely
(You're in the) list of ones who had once known me
You broke the nexus
between us
We were hanging on a thread
You know what I said
We both cut some a bit
But at least I tried to fix it
Then you let it break us
The breaking of our nexus
Have you ever stopped texting someone first?
And then realize they didn't care enough?
Do they piss you off then act like you're the worst?
Then you realize that they're maybe too rough
The other years we're happy people
But now our friendship is so feeble
No more pride and no more tears
Please just don't stick around here
You broke the nexus
between us
We were hanging on a thread
You know what I said
We both cut some a bit
But at least I tried to fix it
Then you let it break us
The breaking of our nexus
You don't care about how you affect others
Using people left and right, I better take cover
You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You think only about yourself
There's nobody else
(You broke the nexus)
(There's nobody else)
boys
Immature like they're new to middle school
Insensitive like a sharp stone wall
Lack empathy like sociopaths
Tear you down then want you fucking back
Boys don't like it when you fight back
Boys call you sensitive then go on the attack
From the smallest little thing you do
Boys fucking suck and that is nothing new
Boys don't like it when you speak your mind
Good boys are diamonds—so hard to find
From the core of the earth to the bright moon
Boys fucking suck and that is nothing new
Writing in a burning diary
About boys fucking up everything
Go to fucking therapy, realize you're wrong
And then maybe you will understand this song
Boys don't like it when you fight back
Boys call you sensitive then go on the attack
From the smallest little thing you do
Boys fucking suck and that is nothing new
Boys don't like it when you speak your mind
Good boys are diamonds—so hard to find
From the core of the earth to the bright moon
Boys fucking suck and that is nothing new
Of course not all of them are pieces of shit
But call me the fuck up if you find one bitch
This song is short like your attention span
As long as you're this immature, you'll never be a man
glass
I walk by the crowds of people
They say hi to each other
So I lie when I'm asked "how are you?"
By a teacher or my mother
I don't want to die but I might as well be
A corpse with robotic bones
I know I have a single friend
But I still feel alone
Fragile, fragile me
I'll never be truly free
From the sickness you can't see
This shit won't help I guarantee
The darkest dread begins to loom
When I'm alone and people pass
Now when I'm in a crowded room
I disappear like I'm made of glass
Reading up on how to make friends
Cause that's what everybody recommends
Sitting by myself at the lunch table
Thinking bout my social life like a fable
It's not so easy to talk to humans
All I do is turn up the music
Maybe I'm not a fucking human
I don't care about my contribution
Fragile, fragile me
I'll never be truly free
From the sickness you can't see
This shit won't help I guarantee
The darkest dread begins to loom
When I'm alone and people pass
Now when I'm in a crowded room
I disappear like I'm made of glass
I'm a background character in my own story
I'm someone everybody finds boring
I sacrificed quantity for quality
But realized most people treat me shitty
I'm the least valued in the friend group
I'm the most pushed aside and out of the loop
I'm the least interesting at the hangout
I'm the most ignored and least talked about
Fragile, fragile me
I'll never be truly free
From the sickness you can't see
This shit won't help I guarantee
The darkest dread begins to loom
When I'm alone and people pass
Now when I'm in a crowded room
I disappear like I'm made of glass
dying at 4am
It's times like these
That I've got a disease
That is terminal
I'm mercurial
Always on the brink
Hard Ice on the rink
I fell down
I drowned
I'm dying at 4am
Please come help me again
Or at least come say goodbye
So I can say I tried
The rink has melted
So I felt it
Then I fell in
Wet clothing
It weighed me down
My mind so loud
Then the whole town
They let me down
I'm dying at 4am
Please come help me out again
Or at least come say goodbye
So I can say I tried
Please
Will you ease
My pain?
My brain?
Please
Will you end it
My friend?
The end
forest fire (interlude)
You say im not the problem
And I always agree
But how could that be true
After all those who left me
You say that you haven't
And even though that's true
Soon you'll be the only one
Who's stuck to me like glue
A forest of people
Relationships that died
The trees are black and burnt
With just a few alive
Is it my fault?
Is it my fault?
You said all of my matches
Have been locked inside a vault
nobody loves me as much as i love them
I love you
You don't love me
As much as I do
Set me free
The second
Option
In every
Situation
Nobody loves me as much as I love them
Always just
The unimportant friend
My knife rusts
But still I feel like shit in the end
A friend
Is hanging out
With people
They barely know over me
Nobody loves me as much as I love them
Maybe I'll stop being clingy
And give them their space
Won't express the extent
Of my love if it's a waste
Nobody loves me as much as I love them
It's simple as that, no need to pretend
PART II:
Nobody can satisfy me
Are my standards too high?
Or does everyone just suck?
I may never know!
Quit fucking disappointing me
I loved you and you couldn't see
I thought you cared for me
Have you listened to "nightshade"? Well I guess we'll see
Nobody loves me as much as I love them
It's simple as that, no need to pretend
I'm going crazy, this torture never ends
Lie all you want, but I know that you'll miss this
Think about someone else's feelings for a change
Think about someone else's feelings for a change
Think about someone else's feelings for a change
I'd give you one more chance but people never change
Nobody hates me as much as I hate them
It's simple as that, no need to pretend
I'm going crazy, this torture never ends
Lie all you want, but I know that you'll miss this
People never change
People never change
People never change no
People never change
People never change
People never change
People never change no
People never change
People never change
People never change
People never fucking change
what society has taught me
People will tell you to speak
Then ignore you when you do
They'll act like you're a freak
Then act like they belong in a zoo
They say "stand up for yourself"
Then call you fucking sensitive
They'll put you on the highest shelf
Then ask why you're so negative
Why's everybody a hypocrite?
Abusive love, I don't give a shit
What you are going through
Cause I'm going through my own shit too
People will ask you why
Then get mad at the reason
People will always lie
In every goddamn season
They say "just go make friends"
Gee, why haven't I thought of that?
They say "Oh he just tends
To be a dickwad and a rat"
Why's everybody a hypocrite?
Abusive love, I don't give a shit
What you are going through
Cause I'm going through my own shit too
They'll excuse the worst people
Then ask what they did wrong
They'll push you to your limit
Then act like you were the villain all along
Why's everybody a hypocrite?
Abusive love, I don't give a shit
What you are going through
Cause I'm going through my own shit too
This is what society has taught me
Everyone's an asshole, wimp or hypocrite
Of it all I can't ever be free
Fuck you all, I wish I could just quit
love me or lose me
Love me or lose me
Why would you abuse me
I wish you would choose me
Over those who bruise me
I think you have lost your tact
And if you don't clean up your act
You won't ever get me back
And I know you will feel the lack
Love me or lose me
The choice is yours
If you don't change eventually
You'll kiss the floor
Why'd you have to be so nice
Luring me in with good advice
I didn't know the heavy price
Now being without you will suffice
Love me or lose me
Stop trying to confuse me
Letting your friends screw me
Over isn't healthy
I think you have lost your brain
You make me feel fucking insane
If you never ever change
In my life you cannot remain
Love me or lose me
The choice is yours
If you don't change eventually
You'll kiss the floor
Why'd you have to be so nice
Luring me in with good advice
I didn't know the heavy price
Now being without you will suffice
And I really don't want to ever lose you
But I will if you leave me with no choice not to
You're gonna regret
The things that you said
Living in fantasy land
With your head in the sand
Love me or lose me
The choice is yours
If you don't change eventually
You'll kiss the floor
Why'd you have to be so nice
Luring me in with good advice
Now I know the heavy price
Now being without you will suffice
you ruined me
You're my biggest regret
You fucked up my head
Now my mind is broken glass
Wish I could change the past
You opened up my scars
And poured salt in the wound
I can't give you the stars
You sure gave me a tomb
If I could go back
I might switch the track
Tell myself to run
Don't fall for the fun
I have nightmares about how you ruined me
Oh you probably think it's fine cause you don't see
The lacerations on my heart
My scarlet eyes hid in the dark
You fucked me up to hell and back
Oh you made me insane and go on the attack
The indentations on your guise
The scarlet lines in both my eyes
Made me the villain when I was beaten down
Stared at the ceiling and wished that I'd just drown
The pictures of us all together
Now just make stormy weather
I'm too god damn attached (too god damn attached)
To wolves in sheep's clothing
Even after they've attacked
They induce self loathing
If I could go back
I would switch the track
Tell myself to run
Don't fall for the fun
I have nightmares about how you ruined me
Oh you probably think it's fine cause you don't see
The lacerations on my heart
My scarlet eyes hid in the dark
You fucked me up to hell and back
Oh you made me insane and go on the attack
The indentations on your guise
The scarlet lines in both my eyes
I hope that clarity comes with time
And I don't fall for another disguise
To get back in I wouldn't pay a dime
The marks you made on me should be a crime
I find myself running back to your friends
Cause they're too good for you
They brought to life my many colors
But then washed them all off too
After all you've done
You've had your fun
You lied to them too
Made my friends believe it's true
I can't forgive
I can't forget
No I can't live
When I'm this upset
I have nightmares about how you ruined me
Oh you probably think it's fine cause you don't see
The lacerations on my heart
My scarlet eyes hid in the dark
You fucked me up to hell and back
Oh you made me insane and go on the attack
The indentations on your guise
The scarlet lines in both my eyes
I have nightmares about how you ruined me
stranger
I'll keep loving you until you screw me over
Then I'll resent you until the end of time
I'll keep missing you when it turns to winter
Then I'll remember why I said goodbye
Scared
I'm always so fucking scared
Arachnids crawl up my walls
My vision is impaired
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Every once-lit face is dark
They eat away at my heart
The memories suffocate me
Until I can't begin to breathe
The memories of you and me
Are lined up like a firing squad
And if you leave, oh if you leave
They'll raise their guns and get me shot
And if I don't see you again
The memories inside my head
Will swell and cry when I'm in bed
Until my eyes have nothing left
Scared
I'm always so fucking scared
Ghosts haunt me when I'm not asleep
My vision is impaired
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Every once-lit face is dark
They eat away at my heart
The memories suffocate me
Until I can't begin to breathe
And I
Don't want to cry
About people that I miss
God, I just need a kiss
To take
It all away
I'm tired
Of people I know becoming strangers
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Don't be a stranger
Every once-lit face is dark
They eat away at my heart
The memories suffocate me
Until I can't begin to breathe
Don't be a stranger
demons
You imply that the part of me
That stands up for myself
And defends me rightfully
Is a demon that made me yell
Don't you know that makes me feel crazy?
And nor does it help
Our camaraderie's getting hazy
Makes me wanna belt
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Look in my eyes and know it's me
I'm just expressing my feelings
I just want everybody to see
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
I don't need your approval you see
Or validation to soothe
But I just thought you'd believe me
And I'd have nothing to prove
Yeah
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Look in my eyes and know it's me
I'm just expressing my feelings
I just want everybody to see
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Don't you know I hid myself for years?
They say "let it out" but once I do there's tears
Why can't you just see?
I shouldn't have to beg you to believe me
What is it like to be believed
The first time that you say something?
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Look in my eyes and know it's me
I'm just expressing my feelings
I just want everybody to see
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
Nothing is wrong with these "demons"
flame
you found me at my lowest
on the floor at an open mic bar
you said "are you ok?"
as I sunk in tar
pulling me out
and sitting me down
out with the others
so I'd hear the sounds
The truth is that I'm drowning
and you are too
but you gave me a reason
to keep pushing through
cause we're in the same boat
trying to survive
and your flame might be the reason
that we made it out alive
sitting there pondering
who will go first?
can't help but wonder
when we'll die of thirst
and I will die too
if you leave me here
I am too scared
I can't bear the fear
The truth is I'm drowning
and you are too
but I gave you a reason
to keep pushing through
cause we're in the same boat
trying to survive
and your flame might be the reason
that we made it out alive
and I know you're not perfect
yeah I also skew
It doesn't mean nobody
should love you
yeah we can improve
if we really want to
so let the flame burn bright
inside of you
The truth is I'm drowning
and you are too
but you gave me a reason
to keep pushing through
cause we're in the same boat
trying to survive
and your flame might be the reason
that we made it out alive
